She closes her eyes. Her heartbeat matches the beat
of the bass and the voice of the leadsinger is
taking over her mind. All she hears are the words,
the melody, the rhythm. She is drowning in the music,
it is lifting her ten feet off the ground.
-Give me a reason to cry-
She knows the lyrics by heart. To the others they
are probably just words that rhyme occasionally, but
to her they are more, they are telling about life
about her life. What he is singing are her thoughts
and her problems. It almost feels like he knows her.
-You and me trapped inside-
As she stumbles, she opens her eyes again. The crowd
is pushing her around, sweeping her of her feet as
she tries to stand still. She smiles at the guy who
made her stumble. It's okay. People had been pushing
her around all her life, in all sort of ways, she is
used to it. It started when her mother made her go to
school. She would never forgive her for doing that.
The kids in school picked on her, hit her, pulled her
hair, called her names, spat her in the face. Always
her. Sometimes they would pick a newcomer but somehow
they always got tired of bullying the new kid and
they'd switch back to her again. The thought that she
had to be very special if they only wanted her as
their victim kept her going.
In highschool the physical part ended soon enough.
Instead, they used mental sticks and stones to break
her spirit. Her mother was so happy seeing her come
home without any bruises, that she didn't want to
spoil that happiness. So she never told her. Instead,
she fell asleep on a pillow, wet with tears, every
single night. As soon as she felt angry or scared, she
grabbed a book. She learned and learned; the sooner
she could leave school, the better.
Then she heard 'the fallen kings' on the radio. The
radio station was promoting their debut album and
played the song 'a cry for help' over and over
again. She was sold. She bought the album and within
a week she sang along with all the tracks, she hummed
herself to sleep with the beautiful melodies and
repeated the comforting lyrics in her head every time
somebody made fun of her... again.
-I am crying with you, I am dying with you-
She laughed silently. Soon it would all be over. The
final exams were next week and she was sure to pass
them. After that, she would get away from here, flee
to the other side of the country to start all over
again. She was going to study literature and no kids
in her class were going to the same school. She would
finally get a fresh start. A confident attitude would
keep her out of trouble and she had the Fallen Kings
-When will I get to be myself? -
'Soon' she thought.
Suddenly she is being lifted. The same guy and some
friend of his had grabbed her and were now pushing her
on top of the crowd. She spreads her arms and flies
over the heads of the jumping mass. Mostly headbanging
kids, who wanted a good party before those threatening
finals began. She laughs out loud, screams and enjoys
her flight. The hands push her on the stage. There she
is, standing next to the man she admires most. He looks
at her as he continues his song. She smiles at him. He
smiles back. 'Thank you' she whispers. One of the
stage-guards grabs her shoulders and pushes her back
into the crowd.
-Tonight will be the last night of them all -
She is on her back now, carried by hands. Above her she
sees the coloured lights, flashing. She closes her eyes
and feels..... total happiness.
Then the hands underneath her are gone. When she hits
the ground, she feels a sharp, cutting pain in her neck.
Shit. She closes her eyes and feels the sweat on her
body. Her T-shirt is absorbing something, probably beer.
"Fuck man, you dropped her."
"Yeah well, who cares. Look at her, she's ugly anyway.
Hey bitch, get up or we'll start jumping on your head!"
"Shut up man, I think something's wrong."
A warm hand touches her.
"Fuck man, she's bleeding! Hey! Somebody help me!"
Hands grabbing her, carrying her, a lot of 'oh my gods'.
She smiles. She feels warm. She feels like sleeping.
The band, they're playing her favourite song. Then all
sounds fade away as she hears a door slam.
"Put her on the ground, take the glass out first!"
"Hey girl, you stay with us now. Talk to me or something."
"Fuck, there's blood all over the place."
She starts humming along with the song the band is now
playing in the background. She's flying again. Her head
feels light. Her body heavy.
'Soon it will all be over.'
- And nobody can stop me this time!-
(c)opyright 2000 by fledder